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Love is my Kink
Kinks, oh how I love kinks :)

See, like everyone, I have my kinks, those fun ways to push all my happy buttons. Some of it are pretty obvious - I know my kinks and am very very merry about them and acknowledging them and I‘ve probably touched on them more than a few times here.

But, in addition to the ones I know and love so much, the ultimate, all powerful “push it and I’m ready baby!” kink. And that is love.

Yes love - tender kissing, loving hugs, those little touches and caresses, that longing gaze just flat does it for me.

Awwwwwwww isn’t that sweet?

Enjoy it while you can, the angst is coming now.

See, this is my ultimate kink because for a very very very very long time it was the dream - as in, completely not going to happen. Utterly impossible. Having sex with cthulu (and no, before you ask, that isn’t a kink of mine - but enjoy the mental images) was more likely to happen than having a loving partner.

When I first came to terms with being gay and stopped trying to make it go away, I was under the settled impression that there were maybe 100 gays in the whole of the UK. Yes, I didn’t only think I was the only gay in the village, I was pretty sure I was the only gay in the county (and this is Yorkshire we’re talking about here). I wasn’t going to find love, I’d be lucky if I ever came across another gay man in my entire life.

Later, I slowly dispelled that little idea and realised, yes, there were actually other gay men in the country. But they didn’t live together and love each other. That’s what heterosexuals do. Homosexuals don’t do that. We don’t even want that, right? I was weird for wanting that (well, doubly weird). Homosexuals can’t love, it is known. The best I could hope for was one night stands, nights of cruising in public toilets and “looking for badgers” in midnight parks - because that was what gay men did. We had to hide. We weren’t allowed out where real people could see us. That would be wrong.

And then I found out there were bars and clubs where we were allowed to congregate. Gays could actually exist and be open and it was ok. I fell upon them with glee. Except, of course, I knew they were only about sex and lust. Gays didn’t love. I knew that. I’d been taught that., I grew up believing that - all we felt was lust. All we did was hook up. We didn’t date. We didn’t live together. We didn’t love each other. That was a silly dream,

And then I found out gays could form partnerships and even live together. But it wasn’t about love - it was so you could have someone close to you to have sex. It wasn’t about affection. You didn’t kiss or hold hands or hug or have lovey-dovey make out sessions. You had sex. That was the point. And for a long time I believed that - and if I found myself with any kind of partner I clung to it desperately - even if I didn’t love him. Even if I didn’t even like him very much. Because that didn’t matter - it was the closest thing I’d ever get to the real deal. (My relationship history? Yeah, we won’t go there).

Because I could NEVER HAVE the real deal. Love would NEVER happen for me. It COULD NEVER happen for me. Because gay men do not love. It was known.

And then I met Beloved. He fixed a lot of my broken assumptions. He fixed me in many respects. I was lucky. Very very lucky. And I wonder how many others are not even half so lucky.

My kink is love - the impossible dream that actually happened.

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Know exactly how you felt. And same here, for similar reasons. Love is for other people, not the likes of me. Difference is, you're allowed to have it, just told by society that you're not. (Screw society.)

This is both heartbreaking and beautiful. I'm very glad you found your love. <3

Yay for lovey-dovey kink!

Oh honey. Honey, honey, honey.
I am so glad that you found Beloved/Beloved found you. I am so sorry that you thought it was impossible when you were younger.

I spent a lot of my younger years falling into relationships because I was convinced that I wasn't worthy of love and so I just kind of jumped in with anybody who said that they kinda liked me. Oh, younger self. I'm really glad I didn't end up infected, married, or pregnant from my early stupidities.

And then I met this guy that I really liked. Like heavens-parting-and-angels-singing-in-harmony-and-my-heart-was-going-pitter-pat really really liked. And then I discovered that the guy that I liked like me back. And then he forgot that I was wearing his padlocked wrist cuffs under my jacket and we had a goodbye makeout session before he left with the keys. And there was awkwardness and communication difficulties. And then I discovered that I was falling in love with this guy. And it was and is the best thing fucking ever.

Every person should give themselves that chance. Every person is worthy of love and every person should feel free to pursue love if they so desire.

Also, from everything you've posted, Beloved is absolutely adorable. I shall squee from afar.

Thank you

I look back on my younger self with the sasme cringing sadness

This has to be one of the most romantic things I have ever read. I'm so glad you and Beloved found each other. I love reading your stories of every day life together. Those tales always brighten my day and give me faith that my Beloved is out there somewhere too.

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I so want a t-shirt that says that :)

I love happy endings. :-)

I'm glad that you and beloved found each other, and I'm sorry that your path to happiness was so rocky. You made it, though, and that's what counts!

Thank you. And ayt it's what counts. I just hope that we can smooth the path down a little more for the others that want to walk it

*hugs Sparky*

Yay for finding Beloved :) Hug him from me, and tell him he owes you a hug from me, OK?

Thank you :) and there will be hugging

I understand perfectly <3 I went through the same thing when I came out (though, the female version also includes an expectation to shave my head and dress like a man and have interests in rabid feminism and women's rights... or maybe that was just what the lesbians in the GBLT support group at Uni were like *shrug*). And then I found Princess... and she's girlier than I am :D

*big hugs to you both*

:) I think it is a horrible path that is commonmly travelled.

hey, you forgot the power tools and the dungerees! mYeah i went there as well - I needed a feather boa and lots of glitter.

*hugs back*

I am straight so I didn't go through the loneliness of thinking, I could never have what others took for granted.

My choices, and they were choices, of lifestyle though made it highly unlikely for a good number of years, and then I met the most unlikely person to be my partner. This year we will have been married for thirty-five years.

I heartily agree, Love is by far the best of kinks:))

It is a great kink to have :)

Lovely Post Sparky! One of the most romantic posts I have ever read. Beautifully written. Glad you found beloved.

And this is why you and Beloved are my OTP.

All together now: D'awwwwwww.

Cuteness is our secret weapon!

*de-lurks* I loved this post. I've also been a fan of your writing in general, which I tend to see on Womanist Musings. Very beautifully written and great content.

As a straight person I can't truly identify with the struggle (though your words pulled all the right heart strings), but I do know what it's like to finally have deep emotions that are reciprocated. I hope your relationship continues to go down an awesome path.

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