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It's going to be a fun December

In my job you see a lot of tragedy, you see a lot of pain. You see people at their lowest ebb, at the very worst time in their lives. It can be quite heart rending.

 And sometimes you see people who are out of their ever-loving minds and make you wish that drinking something stronger than coffee was considered professional.

 I seem to be having a pack of the latter sort, recently. Especially today which seems to have them all lined up (at least that means I don’t have to leave the office).


 Client #1

What do you want? No, really, because this has been our second meeting now and I still don’t have a clue. I think that, maybe, you may be heading for a divorce? Maybe? Or was that just rambling about an unhappy marriage? Wait, your son is in trouble – is that with the police? Does he need representation? C’mon throw me a bone here! Honestly, I know every tiny, minute, dreadfully boring detail of your life now, but still not why you are in my office. It’s getting creepy.


 Client #2

Yes, the weather today is atrocious. Yes, you’re soaked to the skin, I can see that, you’re currently dripping everywhere. And you shook out your umbrella in my office – thanks for that. And how come you’re soaked to the skin AND have an umbrella AND a waterproof coat? Did you go swimming fully clothed or something?

 I sympathise, but I’m not sure why you’re trying to make me feel guilty. I didn’t, as you so nicely put it, “drag” you here. It’s your case, if you want to leave then, by all means, the door’s over there and when you get to court and your soon-to-be-ex-wife is ripping the skin off your back to make sofa cushions you can tell the court that you didn’t get legal representation because it was raining. I'm sure everyone will be sympathetic


Client #3

Let us all acknowledge what a terribly scary bad boy you are. Yes yes, you’re tough and dangerous and mean and *yawn*. Whatever. With this acknowledged, can we get on with things? Because you’re hard-man act not only fails to impress me but will impress a judge considerably less. Your threatening violence against everyone, apparently at random, including the person you assure me most convincingly that you did not violently attack is not going to help your case. However, you may help me on one of my missions – it’s always been my ambition to see if I can make a judge or magistrate laugh due to some of the ridiculous things my clients make me say. I think your “not guilty” plea may do it.


Client #4

Normally I hate venomous divorces. There’s something very sad about two people who, we assume, at one time found each others company rather agreeable and now loathe each other beyond measure. And often there are children involved which is beyond tragic. Sometimes there is abuse and exploitation that is cringeworthy.

 And sometimes there’s no abuse, no kids, nothing to cringe over and the parties are so excessive in their loathing that you just have to reach for the popcorn and listen to all the over-top threats, dramatic declarations of war and the glorious, frothing fury that rolls over every pretence of good sense. It’s one of those cases where you will be politely reminded you need to try and get the parties to mediate even while the lawyers are physically restraining their clients from going for the eyes.

And lo, when you came into my office and began the interview by loudly explaining why your husband was Hitler, I knew we’re in for a bumpy ride. Let me get my armour, this is gonna be good


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#s 2-4 are entertaining. (To read, that is; less so to experience in many cases. Maybe not #4.) But with #1, I sort of stare in bafflement. Wealthy client who actually wants a therapist but is ashamed to hire one? Or something?

I'm putting it down to extreme rambling. I've seen it before, some people just can't get to the point and think everything need 3 years of back story

Ye gods, Sparky! Ya know, I am a legal aid lawyer who specializes in defense against home foreclosures and debt collectors, so I too experience clients at some of the lowest, most frightening, miserable moments in their lives...

But you've reminded me why I prefer this consumer law to family law or criminal law. Gah!

At least it's never boring. I don't think I could handle dealing with corporations. I deal with muggers, thieves and monsters all day - but Managing Directors? There have to be some lines drawn!

I scream profanity at my computer screen a lot and pound on my desk during phone calls. Luckily, my boss is understanding.

4 sounds like the end of my marriage... ho hum.

Never fun to live one of those, not even close

Nope. Not fun in the slightest. And mildly embarrassing to look back on.

Number 3 reminds me of when we pressed charges against a neighbor who had a dog that barked all day and all night. We were standing in the hall and were privleged to hear the dogs owner telling whoever from the DA's office, "We know he barks, he wakes us up at night too! But he's a dog, what can you do? They just bark." and the other person replying gravely "Well, I'll tell the prosecutor that if you want, but you do understand that's not really a defense, right?"

She ended up just paying the fine and getting rid of the dog.

Ugh i hate that - dogs can be trained, there's no excuse for that.

Yup - people running with defences that aren't defences

I am glad for two things: that your summary of this was basically the first thing I read today, and that I am only interacting with the summary and not your clients.

Just wow.

They keep me on my toes, yes eys they do

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Tranq guns should always be on hand. And flamethrowers. Especially in petrol stations

Jobs involving people would be so much nicer if they didn't actually have people involved.

Number one - Did you ask him why he was there to see you? Maybe he really does have you confused with his therapist, lol.
Number three - your taser is in the mail

Number four - There might be more going on then you know...something neither party wants to admit.

People get in the way - it'd be so much more efficient without them

1 - several times, I think he wants to give me the full back story - which makes me think he's done something awful and getting his pre-emptive justification in.

3 - ahhh always useful

4 - there usually is

Re No 3: One of the dumbest and yet most entertaining bunch of defendants I ever came across were these guys up in court in Hamburg accused of a racially motivated attack in Hamburg railway station. On the charge of xenophobia they had the following to say: "We aren't no xenophobes, the wop's lying." (excuse the language).

After some corpsing from the judge and pretty much everyone else in court that day they got banged up good and proper.

The funny thing was that the radio announcer got the giggles too when he read that out.

I'm amazed how often that happens! You get it all the time, "I'm not {insert prejudice}" followed by slurs. It's like a walking parody!

#1 sounds like they're confusing marriage counseling with what your actual job is.
And, #4... Egads, is that frightening. Seeing that makes me appreciate my single life more.

Do they just come to you, or do the coworkers have something to do with this?

some are routed by co-workers but generally it's luck of the draw

Wow. Such... interesting clients...

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