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A very unwise post

Let's put a trigger warning for rape on this one

I shouldn’t be making this post, the chances of me not regretting it in the morning is slim to non-existent – but I’m making it because I’m cresting a vast wave of rage that needs venting as a way to delay/help/avert/deal with the brain crash that is looming in my thoughts right now. I’ve also had a couple of drinks, yes it’s before 1:00pm, yes I know that’s not good. No, it’s not a great coping mechanism. I thought I was doing well, it has been so long since a major incident – not every day was perfect, but I had a handle on it and then one thing and all the flimsy walls come down.

There has been a few trainwrecks of articles about Shia LaBeouf and being raped during the performance art piece he did and my gods has the response been pretty terrible and has danced on my triggers and bad memories to put me in a special kind of hell.

There has been a lot of the really toxic shit - I think a special prize goes to the “he’s a grown-ass man, how can he be raped!?” comments because, yeah, thanks for that. Let me go back in time and see if yelling “I’m a grown-ass man” makes me magically unrapeable. But bonus points for the “a man can’t be hard during rape” from people who apparently do not have penises.

There’s also a huge number of people – people who just last week were saying that this line of reasoning was utter bullshit that should be called out and shamed – are questioning whether Shia resisted enough/appropriately/whatever for it to be “really rape”. Normally I know the places and people to avoid during shit like this but turns out a lot of arseholes can flip their script awfully quickly.

I think because of where the pushback is coming from not just because there is pushback (because every rape has a legion of arseholes pushing back), this is roiling up a lot of bad memories for me. I remember a time when I didn’t fight. By almost every metric this wasn’t the worst thing that happened to me, not even the worst time a guy decided to force sex on me. It wasn’t the most painful, the most violent nor the one that took me the most time to recover – but in some ways it’s the one that left me the angriest.

I went home with a guy. I didn’t really want to have sex with him and I really didn’t want to go as far as he did. He pushed, he decided sex was going to happen. He decided what kind of sex was going to happen and I was really not happy with it, with him, with the whole situation.

But I didn’t fight. I didn’t push him away. I didn’t say no. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t pull away. I didn’t stop him. I lay there, my eyes screwed shut, my jaw clenched so it hurt hours afterwards, muscles so tense I had cramps in my legs. But I didn’t stop him.

I can’t tell you why I didn’t stop him. I know why – but I don’t know how to explain the morass of self-loathing and guilt and shame and depression and self-anger and how that translates to not saying no. Sometimes I try to edit my memories to say I was afraid. Fear is an easy narrative to explain, it’s easy to understand. But it’s not true, I wasn’t afraid I don’t now or then think I was physically INCAPABLE of stopping it. Not physically anyway.

I didn’t stop him and I can’t describe how much I’ve hated myself for that, how angry I’ve been at myself or how pathetic I’ve felt for it. Just about everything these apologists have been saying is what has run through my head, directed at myself. For a long time I didn’t even think I had a right to be angry at him or even blame him and directed that all inwards; it’s only recently that I’ve acknowledged that guy was at fault. I was, still am, angry at myself for letting that happen, especially given my experiences before and after. Even knowing why, I am still angry for my passivity at that moment.

Just about everything being said right now could have very easily applied t

o me. It may even apply more appropriately to me.

I am now going to get drunk, maybe call in completely-out-of-my-damn-mind sick tomorrow and generally avoid the internet and do my very best to plunge into magical fantasy lands full of vampires until my brain cells are in order

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I am so sorry that what's going on now is poking at that pain for you. What happened was not your fault. I'm sure you've been told that before, but maybe it'll help you get through this if you hear it again. It was not your fault, even if it might feel like it was. You are going to get through this. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

Words fail me. I agree with dragonbat2006... It was not your fault. (I tell myself this regularly too.) You are in my thoughts.

I have a very similar experience in my past. The sense of loathing is familiar. I wish I knew of an easy solution to it, but like so many other things there is no easy answer. Hugs if you want them, and open ears if you want to talk about anything.

Someone is hoarding all the evil solutions. We should find them and pelt them with angry mustelids until they share..

Thank you

I'm so sorry. It bears repeating, it's not your fault. The whole notion that there is some standard of resistance a victim must meet to be believed is one the most fucked up notions society has about sexual assault.

Thank you.

One of the more repellent notions of the "standard of resistance" is not only do we shame people for not doing enough, but I don't think anything short of summoning a small army of demons would constitute sufficient resistance. It's like, failing to actually be murdered is proof of consent

*hugs* Oh Sparky... no words, except to say what you already know:

He chose to ignore the fact you weren't into it.
He chose to ignore your silence and your immobility.
He was focused on him getting off and ignored your needs.
You may not have said "no" out loud, but your body language did, and that metric DOES count.

At the BARE MINIMUM, it makes him a selfish, inconsiderate, abusive asshole who casually rapes others because he can't be bothered to check in with them and doesn't care about them enjoying themselves.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this being brought up and stomping around on your sensitive spots.

I think a special prize goes to the “he’s a grown-ass man, how can he be raped!?” comments because, yeah, thanks for that. Let me go back in time and see if yelling “I’m a grown-ass man” makes me magically unrapeable. But bonus points for the “a man can’t be hard during rape” from people who apparently do not have penises.

Yes, this. I read the articles, but had to stop reading readers' comments because I was boiling with rage at the ignorance. Shit like this is why, when it happened to me in my late teens, I was too ashamed and full of self-loathing to even report it, and afraid I'd be ridiculed. You may not have said "no" verbally, but it sounds like your whole body language was screaming "NO" - and he didn't care to listen.

Thank you and I'm sorry as well and wish there weren't so many with similar stories. I also didn't report, not any incident really, I never considered it possible let alone positive

I read the original interview, considered reading some internet reactions and then said, "Wait, no, that's a terrible idea," and went to look at pictures of kittens instead for the sake of my blood pressure.

Not your fault. Not Shia's fault. Very proud of both of you for speaking out.

I'm so sorry. There are no words.

Please don't hate yourself over this.

It does happen to men. It happens to way more male soldiers in the US Army than it does to female soldiers. If grown men with fire arms can't protect themselves in cases that often sound very much like yours, you have nothing to blame yourself for.

Be gentle to yourself, and rembember that a whole lot of people care about you.

Thank you.

I'm getting much better at directing my rage, though less at quenching it and a whole lot of just banking to down and ignoring it. And extending a metaphor beyond all logical extent as well

Directing rage is important, but I still believe it is better to feel the rage when you are feeling it instead of tamping it down.

Anger, I know an aweful lot about.

Be good to yourself.

I'm so sorry. *hugs* It was not your fault.


I identify with everything you say here. So much.

One day the world will get on board with the necessity of enthusiastic consent. One day.

Eventually - I live in hope

Rape has been in the news so much these past few weeks and the reactions to victims is appalling. Victim shaming/blaming seems to be so acceptable.

Hugs to you Sparky

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